


skinny love

by wintersend



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Accidental Love Confessions, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Injury, Jyn in the Parka, Love Confessions, Pining, Pre-Relationship, RebelCaptain May the Fourth Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 06:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14538666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersend/pseuds/wintersend
Summary: "Sometimes, she imagines that Cassian feels the same. That he feels, at least,somethingfor her. It’s a self-indulgent fantasy, but it’s hers, and she cherishes it in the quiet moments when she’s alone. She keeps it to herself and she likes it that way. Unspoken, it’s something that no one can take from her."or, Jyn thinks about confessing her feelings to Cassian a couple of times before she gets it (almost) right. Written for the Rebelcaptain May the Fourth Exchange.





	skinny love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SublimeSenorita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SublimeSenorita/gifts).



> I’m not very confident in my SW universe knowledge and this fic is basically me pretending I am, so fair warning.
> 
> My prompt was: _“Jyn and Cassian admitting that they love each other for the very first time"_ which is a wonderful prompt, to be honest, and it allowed me to try out a concept I always kind of wanted to write. I hope you like this, and May the Fourth be with you!  <3
> 
> The graphic of this can be found [here](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/post/173586414850/skinny-love-for-sublimesenorita-may-the/)

**skinny love:** [n.] when two people love each other, but are too shy to admit it, yet they show it anyway. 

* * *

 

Jyn thinks she's probably been in love with Cassian for the last three years. Which is not that long, all things considered, but long enough that it’s borderline ridiculous she’s only figuring it out _now_.

Three years is how long she's known him, give or take a few months. Did she fall for him when he welcomed her home in the hangar of Yavin IV, or was it when they were holding each other on Scarif, death on the horizon, not quite ready to go? Or did it happen later, after they were rescued and she sat by his side in the med-bay every single day and held his hand until he woke up? When she helped him relearn to walk, patient and encouraging in a way she’d rarely been with anyone; when she accompanied him on his first mission back in the field, and almost all of his missions afterwards? When she helped him reboot Kay and started sleeping in his bed most nights and mended the holes in her clothes in his quarters while he worked on some report, silent but never too far apart from each other?

She doesn't know and it doesn't matter. It was a hard realization to come to, and wasting time, trying to pinpoint the exact moment it happened, is pointless. The only question that matters, the one answer she still hasn’t found, is what to do with this discovery.

Sometimes, she imagines that Cassian feels the same. That he feels, at least, _something_ for her. It’s a self-indulgent fantasy, but it’s hers, and she cherishes it in the quiet moments when she’s alone. She keeps it to herself and she likes it that way. Unspoken, it’s something that no one can take from her.

And she’s content to be just his friend. Why bother confessing, why risk the good thing they have right now, for something so uncertain and unfamiliar? Would it be worth it? _No_ , she tells herself, strict and rational. _Better to stick with what you know._

But a tiny traitorous voice still whispers to her at night, haunting her with wishes and hopes.

She agonizes over it more than she wants to and feels silly for caring so much when they all have bigger problems to worry about. In the end, she’s spared from deciding when she catches Cassian in the hangar one day as she returns from a long and tiring patrol with Han Solo.

Jyn dislikes Solo as often as she likes him, and today, that leans more towards dislike. His little lover’s quarrel with Leia before they left put him in an irritable mood, and an irritable Han Solo was an asshole of epic proportions. With no one to take it out on but Jyn, they had their first argument even before they left the hangar, and it’s a miracle she didn’t end up leaving him out there in the icy plains of Hoth to freeze.

By the time they get back, Jyn feels tired and surly, and wants nothing more than to collapse into a bed (hers or Cassian’s, _any bed_ ) and sleep until morning. But then she sees Cassian loading up a shuttle, readying for departure, and she stops to survey the scene.

She wasn’t aware they had a mission. Why didn’t anyone inform her?

“Hey,” she calls out and jogs closer. She spots Kay talking to a familiar looking intelligence officer by the ramp, but she doesn’t know or can’t remember her name. She turns her attention to Cassian instead. “What’s going on?”

“Jyn,” he greets her and she ignores the stupid fluttery beating of her heart. It’s just her name but… nobody says her name quite as much or quite like Cassian. For the one syllable it is, it should be impossible to pack so much feeling into it. But he does, and she can tell, just from his greeting, just from the way he says her name, what he’s feeling.

Restrained. Hesitant. Troubled. He’s agitated but keeping himself in check.

“How was your patrol?”

“Uneventful,” she quickly dismisses his question. Unless you count Han Solo grating on her nerves at every possible opportunity, it really was. She gestures to the ship. “Leaving on a mission?”

“Yeah. And before you get mad, I just found out too.” He pauses and Jyn knows she’s not going to like whatever he’s about to say. “I’m going on a covert op with Lieutenant Wolek. I can’t tell you much but it’ll take a few weeks. Months, maybe.”

Lieutenant Wolek. So that’s her name. Jyn glances at the officer just in time for her to look back and they share a respectful nod as greeting.

When she looks back at Cassian, a heavy cold weight settles in her stomach. His eyes are apologetic but closed off. Whatever else he’s thinking, he’s not allowing himself to feel it.

“Not me?” Jyn asks, proud of herself for sounding so level-headed. It’s not a big deal. It shouldn’t be. But she’s a little thrown by the information. Cassian often operates alone but when he’s assigned a partner, it’s her. It’s been her for the last three years. Not – not Lieutenant Wolek, or anyone else.

A feeling she doesn’t like rears its ugly head. Not quite jealousy but something close to it. Envy, perhaps. And possessiveness. She doesn’t want to think it but she is: his covert ops belong to her.

And it isn’t that they never go on separate missions, because they do. But normally, those are supply runs or recruiting; nothing too bad. Not covert ops. She’s used to being his cover when he needs one. She’s not a perfect spy like him but she’s more than capable of providing him with back-up and protection in the circle of backstabbing Imperials while he puts on his fake persona and charms even the clothes off their backs.

He needs someone who notices the potential threats when he leaves himself vulnerable, and entrusting that to someone else… feels wrong.

“Not this time,” Cassian confirms, matter-of-fact. Jyn wishes she could be so unemotional, yet at the same time, wants to punch him in the face for it. He’s unflinching and meets her glare head on, and that annoys her more than if he cowered. At least, she’d have _reason_ to be mad then. As it is now, she’s just frustrated with him over something she knows he has no control over.

 _Does he?_ He’s well-respected amongst Intelligence officers and has pulled in a couple favors for her sake before, including the time after Scarif when the Alliance wanted to send her on her way with nothing but a few words of reluctant gratitude, or the time when he convinced Draven to let her come with him on their first undercover mission. Perhaps _he_ requested someone else, or he just simply didn’t care enough to fight to keep her as his partner, still mad at her for saving his life at the cost of blowing their cover last time.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows that’s an unfair assumption to make of the man who has never abandoned her, never let her down, but that’s the heart of the issue, isn’t it? Part of her is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, convinced at every bump in the road that maybe this is it. He’s finally given up on her. She’s finally pushed him too far.

She doesn’t bother to hide any of the bitterness from her voice when she all but throws the words at him, “Why not?” Then, without waiting for an answer, she goes on, fueled by anger just to keep herself from feeling hurt. “I’ve been your partner for the last three years. Am I not good enough anymore?”

Of course, she's not. She’s excellent at combat, not espionage. She’s a thief but not a charmer, she’s a fighter but not a tactician. She’s a risk taker, she’s direct, she prefers to get straight to the point and beat someone up, rather than try to manipulate them. Lieutenant Wolek is probably the opposite, she probably won’t break someone’s wrist on instinct for touching them the wrong way, or jeopardize assignments solely for Cassian’s sake. Because Lieutenant Wolek won’t care for Cassian or his safety and won’t put him above their mission. But Jyn does, and so she was, at last, voted out.

It’s been a long time coming, she realizes now. Perhaps Cassian held it off as long as he could, and her anger at him is unjustified. All the same, she burns with the unfairness of it.

“You know I didn't want this.” The look he gives her is pleading, silently communicating all the things he won’t say. _I had fought for you but they wouldn’t listen. I would much rather have you by my side as well._ He adds, aloud, “But it's not my choice.”

Jyn purses her lips, straightens her spine, lifts her chin high. She doesn’t waver as she says, “Okay.”

She’s ready to leave and stew in her hatred by herself, but even right now, she can’t walk away from Cassian. Rooted to the spot, she stares at him, still prideful in her stance, half-hoping he would calm her down, soothe her worries. If he reached for her, tried to ease the tension from her shoulders, tried to make it right, she would probably let him.

But he just looks at her with sad eyes that almost make her wish he was mad at her instead, and says, very simply, “I don't want to leave while you're angry with me.”

And Jyn, before she could stop herself, replies, “Well, then you can't leave at all.”

Then it’s out there and can’t be taken back, hanging in the air between them like a tangible thing. She feels exposed, an open book. Force knows how much she would like him not to go at all. And now he knows too, because he can tell what she really meant. He understands everything she doesn’t say just as well as she understands him.

The vulnerability makes her skin itch and this – this is why she didn’t tell him and didn’t even want to. He already knows her, sees her, has too much of her. Willingly giving away more parts of herself goes against every survival instincts she has, everything she’s been taught. She’s slowly beginning to unlearn those habits, – at least, when it concerns Cassian – but it’s a process. Sometimes, it feels as unnatural as shooting with her wrong hand. Backwards and impractical, but not impossible.

The question is, if… _when_ he’s gone, what will be left of her?

Cassian’s silence betrays nothing. He looks her over, from her trademark messy bun, closed off eyes, downturned lips, to his blue parka she’s only now remembering she borrowed, standard Alliance issued pants, and boots he gifted to her months ago, apropos of nothing.

When their eyes meet, he’s offering both an apology and a plea, and she caves. He doesn’t deserve her anger, not really. Shoulders deflating, she snaps her eyes away from him to the ground, and inhales evenly. Without all that fight fueling her, she’s left feeling… desperate.

“Is she – ” she swallows and makes herself continue, avoiding his eyes, “is she trustworthy?”

It’s a sensible question, but no matter his answer, she knows she won’t really be at ease until he’s back, safe and sound. She’s used to being suspicious of the people around her but she didn’t expect to be just as suspicious of the people around Cassian.

“Of course,” comes his immediate answer, his tone gentle and honest.

“Is she capable? Can she fight?”

_Can she fight like me?_

Cassian smiles like he knows what she's really thinking and asking, and his words feel like an answer to her unspoken question, “You already know the answer to that.”

_She can fight. But not like you._

She allows a small smirk to play on her lips at his subtle compliment, even though it’s not exactly reassuring. More important is that she knows _Cassian_ is capable, but partnership matters, trust matters. And Cassian doesn’t trust many or easily. It nags at the edges of her thoughts that he’s going on a mission with someone he doesn’t fully believe in.

She wants to say so many things _(“I just – I know I'm a little impulsive but I know you and we work well together. And if Draven can't see that, he can shove – ”)_ but she holds herself back. Swallows and waits for him to continue.

And Cassian, because he knows her too well, tries to comfort her with soft-spoken words and direct facts. “It's just one mission.”

 _(“Can't I go too? Not in her place, just to tag along – ”)_ “Okay.”

“And Kay will be there.”

It’s not enough, not when she knows Kay won’t be with him all the time like Lieutenant Wolek probably will be, but it’s better than nothing. At least, she knows Kay won’t let him die.

Playing with the sleeves of his coat, she raises her eyes to him. “Do you want it back?” she asks, already reaching to fiddle with the zipper.

Cassian reaches out to still her hand, shaking his head. She stops, trying not to let her breath hitch in want at the simple touch of their hands. This reaction has always been there, her body responding in earnest whenever he touched her, but she wasn’t fully conscious of it until now, writing it off in the back of her mind as unnecessary information. Now that she _knows_ she loves him, it’s impossible to ignore how her skin tingles where they’re touching, how he feels warm and gentle and magnetic, how she wants to touch him more, feel him more. She has to carefully school her features not to let it show on her face.

“Keep it,” he tells her, and she knows he probably won't need such warm clothing on his mission and that's the only reason he's letting her have it, but it still feels intimate. He hasn’t withdrawn his hand yet, and Jyn worries she might do something stupid because her mind is stuck on Cassian, her heart beats irregularly, and she can’t look away. “Keep it safe for me.”

“Yes,” she croaks out, voice embarrassingly weak.

The gesture is almost a turning point. Cassian doesn't trust his belongings with just anyone. (Yet, he let her keep his blaster even in those early days, didn’t he?) Of course, she knows she's not just anyone, – she's his friend, perhaps his best friend, if she’s feeling particularly self-indulgent – but it still means a lot to her. He’s offering her a part of himself, in a way, and she wants to do the same. It’s probably not the ideal time for this, but his hand is still on top of hers, their eyes on each other, and a moment of understanding passes between them.

_He feels the same. Tell him. Tell him now._

She opens her mouth and he's looking at her like he wants her to say it, but Kay calls his name from the boarding ramp and she jumps, pulling her hand away. The moment is gone, just like that.

He turns, giving Kay a firm nod, his face betraying nothing. His eyes are guarded when he looks back to her; she can find none of the emotions she thought she saw earlier. She wonders if she read too much into it, if the moment was really there, if she imagined all of it.

“Stay safe,” she tells him and forces a smile she doesn't really feel. Cassian walks away with her eyes glued on his retreating back, leaving behind not only her and his parka, but a terrible loneliness in her heart as well.

* * *

Hoth is evacuated while Cassian is gone. Which is a gentle word for the reality of the situation. The Alliance loses many good soldiers when the Empire finds them, and many surviving ships don’t make the perilous journey to the rendezvous point at Haven. Jyn and the rest of Rogue One are lucky enough to be among the living, but people she knew, cadets she trained, officers she ran errands with, and occasionally talked to in the cantina, go down during the attack.

It’s a huge loss. It reminds her of the aftermath of Scarif, with the ghosts that haunt her in her dreams, the people who mourn their loved ones that didn’t come home, the faces she knew who didn’t make it out alive while she did.

And just like after Scarif, she doesn’t have Cassian to lean on. But while he was injured and unconscious then, he’s just absent now. She’s not sure which is worse; he was in a bad shape then, but she could sit by his side, monitor his condition, watch over his progress. She knew what was happening, unlike now, when all she can rely on is hope and trust that he’s okay. And she worries about him, if he’s heard what happened, if he was contacted, if he knew not to go back to Hoth but to find them instead.

She has no means to contact him herself but Draven probably reached out. Cassian is his subordinate, and one of his best officers, even despite his new-found occasional disobedience that she will happily accept as her influence. He probably commed Cassian to let him know.

Unless he couldn’t. Unless Cassian is so deep in cover that he’s cut off from all communication until his mission is done.

She doesn’t know. She isn’t allowed to know, and it’s driving her insane.

Her thoughts are a constant jumbled mess of tasks, errands, daily to do lists, _Bodhi, Chirrut, Baze,_ helping the rebellion regroup, reinforce their units, resupply their weapons – but inevitably, they always circle back to Cassian. His face keeps her up at night.

* * *

He's away on an Imperial occupied planet with some woman she doesn't know or trust and Hoth is gone and he might not know and if he doesn't come home and she never has the chance to tell him –

* * *

(She shouldn’t have let him go with Wolek.)

* * *

This is what she fixates on for days and she must be pretty transparent because, eventually, Leia takes pity on her and draws her aside. She doesn’t tell her a lot, doesn’t tell her anything specific, but she gives her a reassuring look, a kind smile, and says, “The major is fine, Sergeant. He’ll come home.”

It sounds like the well-meaning but ultimately empty reassurances she’s already heard from Bodhi, but Leia gives her a pointed look and Jyn hears the unspoken words and knows Leia means what she says.

The weight on Jyn’s chest lifts a little.

* * *

He does come back, three standard weeks after Hoth is discovered. She’s wearing his parka, like she has been every day since he left, and drops everything to go see him when she hears his ship is here, requesting to land. It’s their tradition when they’re on different missions: waiting for the other in the hangar, the first one to greet them with a shy smile, the first one to welcome each other home.

A warm and familiar feeling unfurls in her chest at the sight of Cassian emerging from his ship, scanning the faces in the hangar, searching. Looking for her. His eyes catch hers easily, as if his gaze is being pulled to her by some unseen magnet, and the busy noises of their comrades bustling around them cease to exist. Jyn breathes in and out evenly, feeling her body slacken and relax for the first time since Cassian left.

He seems uninjured at first glance, and while that’s a good sign, she needs to know for sure, needs to touch him and hold him and feel him warm and safe against her. It’s not a thing they do, touching without reason, except at night when she seeks out his company in his quarters and they end up curled up around each other by morning, but she feels like taking him into her arms now and not moving for a long time. It’s an instinct she’s acquainted with from all the times he came back from a mission without her, or she arrived back on base to find him waiting for her eagerly the same way she’s waiting for him now.

She starts towards him without thinking, ignoring Wolek and Kay and everyone else around them, not completely sure of what she’s going to do when she reaches him but knowing that she has to be near him. Cassian’s lips twitch upwards, just a tiny bit, but Jyn notices. She knows his face and every flutter of it too well. Her own mouth curls into a small smile in response.

Cassian turns to give Wolek a respectful nod, but his gaze is back on her just as fast, and he starts towards her too, meeting her halfway.

There’s a lot of things to say, a lot of things to discuss after the destruction of Hoth and his prolonged absence, but their time is short; he’ll probably need to debrief with Draven soon enough so it can wait. For now, the only thing she says is, “Welcome home,” in a quiet voice meant only for him, and watches the way his eyes light up and his smile stretches a little bigger.

 _Force_ , he’s beautiful and looks like home and everything she’s ever wanted. Her heart stutters weakly, almost leaping out of her chest when he reaches out and tentatively touches his index finger to her pinkie. Dizzy and bursting with joy, she curls her finger around his and lets their hands tangle together. Cassian holds her gaze and drags his thumb up to her wrist, stroking her skin there in circles. Her breath hitches.

Goner, she’s a goner. She’s not thinking clearly and she really wants him, right now and always, more than she remembers wanting anything, more than she can deny it anymore. It's on the tip of her tongue, her feelings spilling over, the words ready to be said aloud, and she opens her mouth and –

“Cassian!”

The words get stuck in her throat. She closes her mouth, a heavy and unpleasant weight settling in her gut, pumping disappointment into her veins. She knows it's not fair to feel cheated; Bodhi has been worried about him too and she can't take this moment from them, but... it feels like a moment taken from her too.

Cassian’s eyes linger on her face for a moment longer, and she’s not sure what he can see on her face, but he seems hesitant and almost frustrated, before he quickly covers it up with a neutral mask, and turns to greet Bodhi. Jyn steps away, releasing his hand, and makes a quick excuse to leave but promises to go find him later. Cassian nods, the picture of professional indifference, but she can feel his gaze following her as she walks away, and her wrist tingles from the memory of his touch.

* * *

She wishes she had said something, timing be damned, when she’s bleeding out alone in a back alley after walking into the middle of a scuffle between a dozen ‘troopers and a local rebel cell. It was supposed to be a simple recruitment mission but Jyn knows better than anyone that even the simplest assignments can go awry, and they did. The blaster bolt she took was a lucky shot, catching her off-guard after one of the ‘troopers slammed his baton into her face and probably broke some of her teeth, possibly her jaw. The bolt went deeper than she expected but she still took down two of her assailants before she chose to escape and hide somewhere.

The wound in her side doesn’t hurt as much as the regret. Cassian isn’t here, she had lost him somehow in the commotion, bombs exploding around them, civilians running, weapons firing. He doesn’t know she’s hurt, bleeding and alone, and she’s not sure she has the strength to get herself to their ship. He’s probably looking for her, though; unless he’s hurt himself, holed up somewhere and waiting for her to come find him. She doesn’t want to entertain the thought but it’s a possibility. He may be dying, without her help. She may die here alone and never get the chance to tell him she loves him. She may have wasted all of their chances. The bitter metallic taste of blood in her mouth is fitting for how that makes her feel.

She wonders if he will be plagued by their almosts like she is, if he will think of her as a missed opportunity for the rest of his life, if he’ll regret not giving this thing between a try, if he feels the same way she does. She wishes he was here so she could ask him.

Her eyes flutter closed but she knows she has to force them open. She’s tired, so tired, so weak and drained, but she cannot lose consciousness now. She knows she would likely not wake up. If Cassian is fine, he’ll come, he’ll find her somehow, and she has to hold out until then. She has to live for him, for herself, for Bodhi and Chirrut and Baze, and even Kay. If she makes it, she’s going to tell Cassian, take a leap of faith, stop wasting time that they don’t have. If he comes, she’s going to tell him now, she’s not going to leave it to chance anymore, she’s going to –

Her eyes slip closed but she fights to open them, swallowing around a mouthful of blood. She has to stay awake. _Keep it together, Jyn, stay awake. Don’t you dare give up now._ The voice in her head sounds suspiciously like Cassian.

And then –

He’s here.

Jyn exhales a shaky breath at the sight of him rushing towards her. Worried brown eyes scan her body for injuries, his gaze immediately drawn to the blaster wound in her side. It must look bad because his eyes darken and the worry on his face grows into panicky fear.

“Jyn!” He’s at her side in seconds, kneeling down, one of his hands cupping her cheek and wiping away droplets of blood from the corner of her lips. The warmth of his palm is comforting, and her eyes flutter closed as she unconsciously leans into his touch.

“Cass…”

She was supposed to tell him something. She can’t remember what. She blinks her eyes open, her vision hazy. She can’t tell for sure but she thinks he doesn’t look injured. That’s good.

Then the ground disappears from beneath her as two strong arms wrap around her. Jyn barely registers that they’re moving, her body jostling with every step, but she’s aware of Cassian’s presence, his scent surrounding her. She burrows her face in his chest and closes her eyes again. It’s okay now. He’s here, she’s safe. He’d take care of her. She feels herself slipping but her mouth opens, the functioning part of her brain trying to force out the words she can’t quite remember.

“Cassian…”

“Jyn?” His voice comes from far away, distorted, like she was underwater. “Jyn, open your eyes. Stay with me.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” she mumbles, the words disappearing in the fabric of his coat. She feels the rumblings of his reply against her cheek but her brain can’t comprehend the words and then she’s lost in a sea of darkness.

 

* * *

She wakes, groggy and disoriented. She doesn’t need to look around to know she’s in the med-bay, the beeping of the machines and the peculiar feeling of the medical cot giving it away. Her lower abdomen throbs dully, but her jaw hurts worse, and vaguely, she recalls the sound of blaster shots, the ‘trooper slamming his baton into her face, remembers running, and her fingers drenched with blood as she put them against her stomach wound. The exact details of the fight and the aftermath are fuzzy but it’s okay because she doesn’t care to remember right now.

Turning her head, she sees Cassian sleeping in a chair by her side, and her heart stills. He looks worn out and troubled even in sleep, like he so often does, but she watches him tenderly anyway. He had saved her, came back for her, and likely sat by her side and watched over her recovery whenever he could for however long it’s been. Her hand itches towards him, weak but trying, wanting to feel his skin against hers.

“Cassian,” she croaks, only to herself. He needs the rest and she doesn’t want to wake him, no matter how much she’d like to see those brown eyes look at her with that familiar fondness. But she likes the way his name tastes on her tongue, likes how the thought of him makes her feel warm and secure, so she says it again, quietly. Her fingers finally grasp his and she closes her eyes, content, falling asleep with his hand in hers and his name on her lips.

* * *

The next time she wakes, Cassian isn’t there. She understands; the Rebellion needs him and the war doesn’t stop just because she’s in the med-bay, but she can’t help the disappointment sweeping through her. Bodhi, who’s been appointed to her side, notices and gives her a sympathetic smile.

“He would be here if he could. We had to basically force him to take a shower and eat. He said to tell you that he’ll come by later.”

Jyn gives him a grateful smile and then a med-droid hurries in to explain the extent of her injuries and prep her for a quick dental surgery to fix the damage done to her teeth and jaw. By the time Cassian arrives, the surgery is over and she feels… good. Carefree. It’s the anesthetics, she’s told, but she doesn’t really care as long as it makes her feel like this.

“Cassian!” she exclaims, elated that he’s here, at last. “Finally!”

The huge grins she turns his way seems to surprise him but he smiles mildly in response and says, “Jyn. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“Mhmm, I’m not sure I can forgive you. You might have to earn it.” She continues grinning, not even bothering to pretend to be serious.

“Oh?” His eyes are dancing in delight as he watches her curiously, slowly coming to the realization that she’s high as kite. “What do I have to do?”

She lets out a giggle which would have been mortifying under normal circumstances but feels natural at the moment. Cassian only smiles wider, his eyes crinkling, and she thinks that this is how he should always look, not plagued by the burdens of the war. As she watches him with the subtlety of a Wookiee on an undercover mission, an idea comes to her and the words slip out, “Give me your parka.”

His eyebrows shoot up to his forehead as he runs a subconscious hand over his coat. “My parka?”

“Mhmm, yeah. It’s comfy and warm and smells nice. And you look too pretty in it,” she adds, unable to take her eyes off him. “It’s not fair. Too pretty. Pretty Cassian.”

His eyes actually go wide at that and she thinks she can see his cheeks flush a faint pink. _Oh_ , she thinks, grinning in delight, pleased with herself. His spy facade _can_ be broken.

“Thank you, I think,” he manages to say, his voice a little unsteady, heavier on the accent than usual. He clears his throat, eyes flitting away as he composes himself. His words come out steadier when he asks, “How are you feeling?” 

“Good,” she answers, feeling pretty great, indeed, and better now that he’s here. She opens her mouth, wanting, needing to tell him something, something very important, but as he returns his gaze to her, she finds herself getting lost in his eyes and forgets what she was going to say. “I’d like to touch your jaw,” she ends up saying instead, factual.

“I – what?”

“Please? It looks so... sharp.”

Cassian blinks in astonishment, looking lost and confused, rendered speechless for several long seconds. Jyn’s honestly not sure what the problem is. She basically complimented him, and it’s the truth, anyway; he does have an impressive jaw and beautiful cheekbones. Now that she thinks about it, she’s always longed to touch it. But Cassian seems unable to decide how to react: he lets out an awkward cough at first, avoiding her eyes, then forces a small laugh out of himself.

“You must be really high,” he says, voice quiet and tight with… something. She can’t quite decipher what, and her head feels too fuzzy to think hard about it. “I think I should go.”

“No, wait.” She shoots up in bed, her mood doing a sharp turn from elated to frantic, and she involuntarily reaches out towards him, fingers touching empty air. “Why?”

“Trust me,” he trails off and gestures to her lying in bed, wearing the traditional white medical gown, “you’ll thank me once you’re you again.”

She shakes her head. He’s probably right about her being high but she can’t really bring herself to care, and she knows for certain that she doesn’t want him to leave. She was supposed to tell him something. She remembers what now; she was supposed to tell him she loved him, and he couldn’t go without hearing it.

“I don’t care. Just stay, please?” She knows she sounds needy and desperate but she turns her pleading eyes on him anyway and watches him sigh in defeat.

“I hope you won’t regret it,” he tells her as he sits down on the edge of her bed, and her mouth curls up into a satisfied grin.

“I could never regret you,” she answers, matter-of-fact, causing him to stutter and turn pink again. His lips twitch a tiny bit upwards, but before he could comment, she goes on, “Did you know that I love your eyes?”

There’s a pause. “No?”

“I do. They’re very pretty.”

“They're just brown,” he frowns.

“No, no, no, no.” She lets out a sigh, her voice trailing into a yawn. Force, she’s beginning to feel very tired, but she rubs at her eyes, trying to keep them open to look at him. “They're not just brown, they're the most amazing shade of brown I’ve ever seen and they're beautiful.” She stops, giving him a dreamy smile. “Just like you.”

“I'm – what?” He pauses, waiting for an answer, but her eyes have slipped closed and she can’t find the strength to open them. “Jyn?”

She keeps her eyes closed. “Hmmm?”

“Are you falling asleep?”

“Yeah,” she mumbles, only half-awake. “You should stay, though. I love you.”

And then she’s out like a light.

* * *

The third time she wakes, the anesthetics have worn off, and she’s left with a dull ache in her jaw. Her head throbs faintly, making her groan. The artificial lights of the med-bay are harsh for her sore eyes and she squints, blinking tears back, until she gets used to it. She might feel worse than before.

“Jyn?” Cassian’s face swims into her vision and she stares in surprise. He stayed. Or he came back, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s here. “How are you feeling?”

“Like bantha shit,” she answers truthfully, earning a small quirk of his lips at her candor. “How long was I out?”

“Only a couple of hours. The drugs should be out of your system, though,” he says, voice tinged with distaste.

Oh, right. The memories filter back to her. She went and did _that_.

And Cassian seems to be thinking about it too because the tips of his ears redden, and, suddenly, he won’t meet her eyes. Jyn swallows around the unexpected lump in her throat. While she did want to talk to him about… her feelings, she didn’t mean to do it like that. At least, she supposes, there’s no turning back now. She has to push forward.

She clears her throat and his gaze tentatively returns to her. “I remember what I said, you know.”

Cassian takes a step back, a little defensive. She can pinpoint the exact moment his eyes become guarded, and can practically see the walls he’s putting up around himself. He starts talking, apologetic and ashamed, but a little resigned, too.

“I’m sorry. I should have put an end to it, I… I should have left, I don’t know what possessed me to – ”

“I asked you to stay,” she interrupts, not willing to listen to him blame himself. Of course, he would think it was his fault. Jyn doesn’t think it’s anyone’s fault, and she isn’t regretful, either.

“Right.” He nods, calm and stoic. “It’s no big deal, Jyn, I know you were high and talking nonsense. We can just forget it.”

She chews her lips thoughtfully. “Is that what you want?”

That gives him pause as he tries to find the right answer, tries to decide how much to share, how much to hold back. He seems to go for a neutral medium. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me.”

Honest, but not totally direct, not actually answering her question. Classic. She will have to make a move then.

She takes a deep breath. Time to stop being afraid.

“It wasn’t nonsense,” she begins, eyes on her feet, carefully testing the words in her mouth. “And I don’t regret it.” She straightens her spine and looks up into his eyes with determination. “I meant all of it. I love you, Cassian. I loved you for the last three years and I should have told you a long time ago.”

She hears his sharp intake of breath, sees his eyes go wide, the walls dropping like she bulldozed right through them. But she can’t pause to analyze it yet; if she stops now, she might not continue. And she needs him to really understand.

Even though words are not her strength, she tries. She has to – no, she _wants_ to make an effort, for Cassian.

“When I was bleeding in that alley, I thought… I thought I might not get the chance. I was afraid I wasted all of my opportunities. So despite my embarrassingly stupid ramblings,” she winces, thinking about how she called him beautiful and begged to touch his jaw, _Force help her_ , “I’m glad I told you. And I don’t want us to forget it.”

She blows out a breath as she finishes, having no idea what else she could say. It wasn’t a grand romantic speech, might not have been very coherent either, but it was honest and it got the point across, she hopes. It’s all up to Cassian now.

And now that she’s done, she has time to study his face. He seems… shocked, for starters. A bit incredulous. But hopeful and longing as well. An eager glint lights up in his eyes, and Jyn gives him a soft, tentative smile. It’s an unspoken question that Cassian easily recognizes and answers with a curl of his own lips.

“I wouldn’t dream of forgetting it,” he says, voice thick with emotion. She could see it in his eyes too, the unfiltered joy, the adoration. It’s not often that he opens his heart and lets himself be seen like this, not often that he looks so alive and animated. Jyn’s heart soars in her chest at the sight.

“Come here then,” she says quietly, her tone matching his. Cassian takes a seat on the edge of her bed and she reaches out a hand until he takes it and moves closer. She would like to kiss him but her jaw still hurts and he looks like he can tell.

“You scared me, you know.” His eyes darken, lost in some painful memory. Jyn brings her other hand to his cheek, traces the outline of his lips with reverence. She doesn’t want him to be thinking about all that right now, not when he looked so happy just a second ago. “You could have died.”

“But you had my back, like always.” She tugs on his hand and scoots over to let him lie down beside her, his arm automatically wrapping around her shoulder. He’s careful, trying not to jostle her injuries, but the blaster wound is on her other side, and his presence comforts her. She burrows closer to him. “So try not to think about it too much. We’re having a happy moment here.”

A deep chuckle rumbles from his chest, then he kisses her hair and tucks her head against his shoulder. “For the record, I love you too.”

Jyn smiles, content and a little smug. “For the record, I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, Jyn rambling, high, about Cassian was the concept I always wanted to try and I'm very happy I could. Let me know what you thought. You can also find me on tumblr [here](http://captainandors.tumblr.com/)


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